Please feel free to email me with any questions or concerns you have about the class: larry@larryberkelhammer.com

Peaceful Warrior Woman: Protector of Your Body and Boundaries

What is a peaceful warrior?

The term Peaceful Warrior may seem like an oxymoron. I took the idea from the book Peaceful Warrior by Dan Millman and the acclaimed Peaceful Warrior movie. This women’s self-defense class, more than anything, is about going through a gradual transformation into a peaceful warrior woman.

However, this transformation is not like the transformation of a caterpillar into a butterfly. As with training in a traditional martial art, this practice will keep taking you to deeper and more rewarding levels over time. One seven-week class will provide you with a good introduction.

A Peaceful Warrior Woman is not passive. She has the skills to fight for her life if necessary, but she is far less likely than most women to ever need to defend herself. This is due to her practices of situational awareness, boundary-setting, moving from center of mass, and the fact that rapists and robbers avoid confident women (and men) who set clear boundaries with both their voice and their body language, especially if they appear to be someone who would fight back if attacked.

Because a Peaceful Warrior Woman sets clear boundaries, she is treated with respect. Many women (and many men) are afraid to authentically express themselves for fear of being criticized or penalized. The reality is that women who stand, walk, move, and communicate with confidence are viewed by predators and bullies as hard targets. Confident, assertive women are also far less likely to fall victim to domestic violence. Both men and women who are afraid to stand up for themselves are the ones who get targeted by predators as well as by opportunists with bad intentions.

This video provides a great example of enforcing clear boundaries. The self-defense techniques and especially the fun training drills you do with classmates will help you feel self-empowered and have the confidence that you can enforce clear boundaries even in the most challenging situations.

This unique women’s self-defense class is based on five integrated practices. Four of the five can be learned by studying this extensive webpage; only the self-defense techniques require participation in the class. The path to mastery of each is through daily practice.

Moving from your Center
Moving from your center (center of mass) is the optimal way to move. It is how animals move. That’s why animals are so fast and so powerful for their size. Around the world and in all cultures we humans are caught up in thinking about the past and the future, which distracts us from the immediate moment. Non-humans don’t have that problem. They are fully aware of their surroundings all the time; their survival depends on it.

Instructions of how to walk from your center: Place and maintain your full attention on initiating and maintaining all movement from the center of your pelvis (the center of mass). It can help if you are able to feel a sensation in the center of your pelvis and keep your attention on that sensation while walking. If you don’t feel a sensation, imagine one, or gently poke yourself an inch below your navel as often as you think of it, or until you begin to feel a sensation in that area without poking yourself. Instead of slightly leaning forward when you walk, which is the way we all learned to walk, step forward while maintaining a perfectly straight, upright, relaxed posture and allow that foot to pull you forward. Here is a way to know whether you are walking correctly: See if you can retract the forward foot after planting it on the floor. If you are doing it correctly, you will be able to retract every step after stepping onto that foot.

Keeping your attention in your center is impossible to maintain all the time. Approach it as a mindfulness practice; in other words, each time you notice that your attention wandered off from moving from your center, return your attention to a sensation in your center.

After reading those instructions, you’re probably thinking that keeping your attention on a sensation in the pelvis would prevent you from being aware of your surroundings. Actually, you’ll discover that walking with your attention on a sensation in your pelvis paradoxically serves to dramatically increase awareness of your surroundings. When you are walking from your center, your situational awareness is enhanced.

The practice of continually focusing attention on center of mass provides another benefit: Those of us who grew up with a relentlessly critical or abusive parent often become overly self-critical in our adult lives. By focusing our attention on moving from our center, we are able to shift our attention from a negative mental construct to a present-oriented action. Walking from center of mass is much more than simply a way to walk. It contributes to self-empowerment and confidence.

Walking and moving this way, you will be incredibly stable and will be almost immune from ever tripping and falling. Literally and metaphorically, you will be more grounded and centered. One reason for the increased stability is that when walking from your center, you are more aware of every step. The other reason is that your situational awareness increases, which includes more awareness of any objects that you could otherwise trip over.

Although I coach students on walking from your center each week, the vast majority of class time each week is spent on the physical self-defense techniques.
Situational Awareness
Situational awareness accounts for the largest percentage of this web page, which is actually the size of a small book.

Situational awareness is about being aware of people and situations in your immediate environment. The specific things to look for will be described in detail throughout this Peaceful Warrior Woman web page.

Situational awareness is about more than simply noticing potentially dangerous people and situations. Just by actively looking around all the time, you will notice all kinds of interesting things you never noticed before.

By noticing more, you can even experience improved cognition. Older people who have had cataracts removed have been found to have lower rates of dementia. It may be because they are exposed to more visual stimuli, which is good for the brain. The same has been found to be true of older people who wear hearing aids. And by taking in more visual and auditory stimuli, they are able to practice a higher level of situational awareness.

Situational awareness can even be applied to interpersonal communication, which then becomes more vibrant and more rewarding. Normally, our conversation partners say things that we fail to notice and question. Often this is because we mistakenly believe that asking too many questions may lead to the other person feeling interrogated. But if the questions are asked out of genuine, pure curiosity without any judgement, the questions tend to deepen the conversation and the interpersonal connection.

Even medical appointments can become more rewarding and more effective when you practice situational awareness at the appointment. Typically, patients are afraid to question their doctors. By cultivating curiosity, as a medical patient, you will find yourself wondering about things that can help you better understand your condition. Doctor-patient relationships improve. And with increased situational awareness in a medical setting, you will get better care. And just as situational awareness can help you spot and avoid predators, it can help you spot the potential for medical mistakes in time to prevent them. I wrote about this topic extensively in my second book: Doctor’s Partner.

If you make situational awareness your default state of mind whenever you are outside the safety of your home, it is extremely unlikely you will ever be attacked by a predator. Both resource predators and sexual predators look for soft targets and capitalize on the element of surprise. They cannot successfully attack someone who clearly recognizes that person as a predator and takes evasive action.

Animals in the wild instantly recognize predators. Humans typically miss important cues because they mistakenly believe someone’s race, nationality, ethnicity, socioeconomic status, clothing, tattoos, or piercings inform them of danger. Those things are based on propaganda that infuses society and blocks the ability to observe the type of subtle behavior that could actually serve as a warning of real potential danger. People profile each other based on conspiracy theories because they mistakenly believe it helps them know who is safe to be around, but it only creates fear and paranoia, while distracting their attention from what really matters—observable behavior. Xenophobia is orthogonal to situational awareness. Because they are profiling people based on those useless, irrelevant criteria, they miss the only thing that matters, which is a person’s subtle behavioral cues including body language. In profiling someone, you need to observe how the person is speaking, gesticulating, interacting with others, and moving. In profiling someone you know, look for any anomalies from that person’s baseline behavior. In profiling a stranger, look for any anomalies from what is considered normal behavior in the culture you are in. Later I will list in great detail all the components of profiling possible predators.

Animals in the wild don’t get caught up in thinking about the past or future. As soon as a potential predator approaches, they move. This is called Getting Off the X. There’s rarely any downside to moving. You don’t need to have solid evidence that the person approaching is dangerous.

Look at peoples’ hands. Notice what they’re holding. The teeth are the primary weapon of many animals. The claws are the primary weapon of other animals. With humans the primary weapon is either the hands or a weapon held in the hands. The hands can tell you a lot about a person’s intentions. And when a hand goes under a jacket or shirt, or goes into a pocket, that hand could come back out holding a deadly weapon. When you see that, get off the X.

Situational awareness is especially important when you pass through transitional locations. Be particularly aware in transitional areas such as parking garages, parking lots, or long narrow hallways leading to the restroom, or any place where you are heading into a corner. When sitting in your parked car, you are in a transitional space and should have windows up, doors locked, and leave space between you and the car in front to allow you to drive away fast. Regardless of the setting, situational awareness includes constantly looking all around.

Situational awareness means more than simply looking all around; it also includes being street-smart. For example, whenever you enter a public restroom which seems quiet and empty, make sure a man or a suspicious-looking woman doesn’t follow you in; if that happens, quickly turn, and exit before he or she locks the door, trapping you. Once you are attacked, it may be hard to get to the door to unlock it and exit. If you spot someone you’re not sure about, find a different restroom.

Essentially, the key to staying safe is to practice situational awareness whenever you leave the safety of your home.

Situational Awareness should not be confused with paranoia. Paranoia is about living in fear. Situational awareness can be a practice of having full appreciation for your surroundings from moment to moment, leading to a feeling of greater aliveness. This enhanced feeling of aliveness is due in part to the fact that when you are exceptionally aware of your surroundings, you will be better prepared to recognize anomalies of all types as they occur, and take action when required. This is why the practice of situational awareness is self-empowering.

Situational awareness as I practice it is a dynamic mindfulness practice, in that, each time I notice that I’m caught up in thinking about anything other than what is going on in this moment, I immediately return my full attention to my immediate environment.

Often, the practice of situational awareness is described as a practice of looking out for danger. However, I recommend spending every day looking for beauty. A fringe benefit of looking for beauty wherever your go is that you will notice predators and dangerous situations in time to easily get away.

As with the practice of moving from your center, situational awareness must be adopted as an ongoing mindfulness practice. I discovered a way to stay motivated to practice throughout the day. It’s simple and it’s pleasant. Here is what I do: Throughout the entire day, I remain on constant lookout for beauty. It could be the sight of a single leaf blowing in a tree, a pleasant sound or scent, or anything that makes me smile.

Situational awareness includes observing the many forms of nonverbal communication described in a later section on this web page. Once you learn the many things to look out for, your situational awareness skills will soar.

Following the introduction of the other aspects of staying safe that I’ve described below, I will return to the topic of situational awareness in the last and largest section of this webpage.
Boundary Setting
In most situations, verbal boundary setting is sufficient to dissuade a predator, provided your body language backs up your words. This is true regardless of the nature of the relationship (stranger, co-worker, spouse, domestic partner, or other family member).

You must always set clear boundaries; don’t ever be afraid of the other person’s reaction.

Be assertive but not aggressive. Be respectful in setting clear boundaries.

You can set very firm boundaries without demeaning anyone. You can yell at someone to “Fuck off!” But don’t throw insults at the person. Yelling at someone to fuck off is about you setting a very clear boundary in an assertive way. Yell with the loudest and most powerful voice you can muster. I don’t like the idea of screaming for help because it can give you and the predator a message that you are weak. Whereas, yelling at a predator to “fuck off” or “back off” in your most powerful voice is empowering for you and disempowering for the predator.

The specifics of boundary-setting depend on the situation. For example, assertively yelling at a sexual predator can be effective in setting a protective boundary. But never do that with a resource predator. For example, if someone threatens you with a gun or knife, it will usually be a robber. If you can’t get away, you need to defuse the situation. The best way to defuse that situation and stay safe is to just give them whatever they want and don’t complain to the robber about it. If you respectfully hand over whatever resource the criminal wants, you will usually be unharmed.

However, on the other extreme, if kidnapping you or tying you up is the motive, you must escape even when threatened with a gun or knife. Although there is a small risk that you could get shot, cut, or badly bruised during your struggle to escape, it is still safer than allowing a predator to transport you to a secondary location or even to lock you up in the room that you are both in. You also should never even go into an isolated part of a building you’re in with someone you don’t completely trust.

Resource predators are much easier to deal with than sexual predators because they usually leave you alone after you hand over what they want, whereas with a sexual predator, if you are unable to get away, you will need to fight for your life using all your skills including deception.

For most women, boundary-setting is most often an issue in relationships with people with whom they interact on a regular basis. What prevents most women (as well as men) from setting clear, assertive boundaries in all types of relationships is a lack of self-confidence and self-empowerment.

For those of us who were abused by parents or caregivers when we were children, that confidence and self-empowerment can be developed over time by developing confidence in our physical and verbal skills and by being involved in healthy relationships.

When someone refuses to honor your assertively expressed boundary-setting, you must immediately realize that you are now facing a serious threat. However, it would be extremely rare for a sexual predator or bully to not honor your clearly and assertively stated boundary. If that extremely rare event were to occur then you must attack that person as soon as he or she breaches your reactionary gap (the time and distance you need in order to defend yourself). However, if your situational awareness, assertive boundary-setting, movement from your center, and tactful communication skills are all high, predators of all types will avoid you.

How to assertively set clear boundaries is fully explained on this web page. In the class we address the challenges and fears of assertively setting clear boundaries. The instructions are extremely simple, but childhood abuse can make it quite challenging and frustrating to practice.

As with the other practices, assertive boundary-setting must be practiced every day.
Self-Defense Techniques
Of the five categories, self-defense is the only one that must be learned in class and practiced with a training partner between classes. Consequently, most of the class time is spent on learning the physical self-defense techniques and on how to move.

When I was in my 20s and 30s, I did many years of sparring full contact. Most of us thought we were hot stuff. I secretly hoped some street punk would attack me so that I could prove myself. I was incredibly naive! Sparring is usually done with other martial artists whom you trust. We never seriously hurt each other. There were no weapons. We had rules and we respected those rules. It was done in a safe environment. Even though it looked to observers that we were beating each other up, we cared about each other and most of us were not trying to knock out our sparring partners.

The real world is very different. In real world attacks there are no rules, no safe environment, and no one around to protect you. There are guns and knives. There are usually accomplices. It is never a fair fight.

Although I teach effective and powerful self-defense techniques, I always stress that fighting for your life is never without grave risks. My goal for my students is for them to develop the skills that will allow them to avoid danger, so that they never have to fight for their lives. When they practice moving from the center of mass, use situational awareness to always be aware of any possible danger, and practice assertive boundary-setting, they will see all possible threats before the threats see them. It’s very empowering to know that you have real self-defense skills, but you need to know that even world champion professional fighters have been killed in street fights simply because they were not expecting an accomplice of the guy they were fighting to rush up behind him and stab him to death or shoot him in the head.

The good news: Statistically, the preponderance of attacks on women are by someone they know. That type of predator will want to capitalize on the existing relationship you have with him. His goal could be molestation, rape, or to beat you up. The good news is that that type of predator is almost never a trained fighter, is usually unarmed, and won’t have an accomplice. In that situation, assuming you practice with a training partner, your self-defense skills should be more than sufficient to disable the guy enough to allow you to get away without serious injury. In fact, with someone you know, you can usually avoid the attack altogether by noticing and taking evasive action when his behavior is different from his normal behavior, and by practicing the four practices described in this section. That’s why physical self-defense techniques should rarely be needed.
Communicating with Predators and Bullies
Although it is always best to completely avoid anyone whom you suspect could possibly not be safe to be around, there are some work, family, or other situations where being in the same room with that person is unavoidable. When keeping your distance simply isn’t possible and you find yourself in conversation with that person, how you communicate could make all the difference in your safety.

For example, if there’s just no way to avoid such a person, it is important to converse in a respectful, yet very assertive manner. You should assertively set very clear boundaries but do so without demeaning that individual.

There’s a formula from Nonviolent Communication (NVC) farther down on this page that can be used as a guide in helping you assertively set boundaries. There are NVC practice groups you can join to learn this method. If any conflict comes up in the class, NVC is used to resolve the issue.

If you run into someone regularly who always leaves you feeling uncomfortable, you need to find a way to communicate with that person that assures your safety.

When setting boundaries while in conversation with such a person, point out anything specific that makes you uncomfortable. For example, if the person is expressing something nonverbally that clearly doesn’t line up with their words, it could reveal something about that person you should know. In a respectful way, point out the discrepancy and ask about it. But do so out of curiosity rather than criticism.

Later in this web page you will find a section that describes all the subtle nonverbal signs that something about the person is off. Once you know what to look for in very subtle body language you will know when to distance yourself from someone before any violence is likely to occur.

It’s critical that your body language backs up your words in order for there to be no doubting about the boundaries you set.

People often confuse assertiveness with aggressiveness. Assertiveness is respected and admired, whereas aggressiveness turns people off. Assertiveness is a state of mind and can be developed. If you exhibit confidence, assertiveness, and set clear boundaries, you’re less likely to be bothered by that individual.

Many women’s self-defense courses include fancy, exotic techniques like this one to attract students. The technique shown in this photo won’t work in a realistic attack without considerable training. The few techniques taught in this class are not exotic or fancy; they are simple and effective.

The physical self-defense techniques taught in this class:

Empty-Hand Weapon Techniques: Hopefully, by practicing the skills described in this web page, you will be able to avoid dangerous predators. The techniques listed below have the power to disable an attacker just enough for you to get away. However, they must be practiced with a training partner on a regular basis. Otherwise your speed and timing will be ineffective.

Oblique kicks to knees, shins and ankles. I only teach kicks to students with exceptionally good balance. Otherwise, the attacker could easily knock you to the ground, which is a place you need to avoid at all costs.
Rear heel kicks to shins if grabbed from behind with trapped arms. Rear elbows & hammer-fists if arms free.
Open-hand slaps to the face with palm heels striking his chin or nose and fingers going into the eyes.
Upward palm-heel strikes to chin from below.
Web-hand strikes to throat (trachea) while shoving him back on his heels.
Forward elbows to the jaw, throat, eyes, side of neck, back of neck, side and back of the head.
Chops (aka knife-hand or blade-hand) to throat or neck.
Hammer fists to the jaw, throat, side of the neck, back of neck, and groin.
Cupped palm claps to the ears.
Head butts when you have a clear target. The head butt is directed at the nose, cheek bone, or jaw.

Speed: One of the things we train is releasing of unnecessary muscle tension. Bodily tension reduces the speed of your strikes. If the predator sees your hand coming toward him, he will block or move. You must develop lightning speed. This means eliminating all telegraphing of your intentions, releasing all muscle tension, and having your nearest empty-hand weapon dart into the nearest accessible target.

Combinations: All of the above techniques should be deployed in combination with each other. For example, you may lead off with a palm-heel to the chin from below or a web-hand to the throat. If his head then moves up and back you deliver an elbow to the throat or side of neck, followed by a knee to the groin, followed by a kick to his knee joint.

However, formulaic strategies are only for training purposes. They don’t work when you are fighting for your life in a real attack by a real predator. In a real attack, you won’t have the time to plan any of the above. The more skilled and practiced you are, the more spontaneous your strikes and kicks will be. Committed regular practice with training partners will allow you to instinctively choose the most effective empty-hand weapon for each vulnerable target as openings occur.

You must keep attacking with explosive speed and forward force until you can get away. For example, in delivering web-hands or elbows to the throat and palm heel strikes to the chin and nose, your speed and power are accelerated by stepping toward the predator. The rapidity of your varied strikes and kicks will have an impact.

If you catch him off guard by attacking him first, you should be able to end the fight in seconds and then get away.

Movement to improve angles of attack: Over time you’ll develop the ability to latch the attackers arms to spin him around or to pull yourself around to his rear. Attacking the predator from behind keeps you out of range of his strikes and grabs, and gives you the opportunity to deliver elbow strikes to the back of his head and neck.

The Importance of Ongoing Practice: As with learning a foreign language, practice must be ongoing, or the skill is lost. For many of us this lifelong ongoing practice is satisfying because of the benefits that result from the practice, such as self-empowerment, self-efficacy, and the deep satisfaction that comes from simply staying on a path to mastery.

Ongoing practice will give you the confidence to face a potential predator and assertively set clear boundaries. Your body language must back up your words.

The Importance of Practicing How to Move

One of the most important two-person drills practiced in class involves moving closer to the person who is role-playing the predator. Predators expect their intended victims to back up and cower in fear; they are thrown off their game when their intended victim becomes the aggressor. For most women this is counterintuitive, and it takes time to learn to step into the predator when you attack.
With daily practice you will begin to learn how to walk from your center and to deliver all your techniques from your center. This eventually leads to the ability to hit with power and speed.
One reason you need to develop power and speed is because techniques that simply cause pain may have no effect on an attacker who has adrenalin or street drugs flooding his system, making him impervious to pain. You must actually disable the attacker in order to get away.
Still another reason it is so important to be able to move with speed and agility is because it will give you a much greater opportunity to evade or escape the predator.

My Problem with Weapons.

Those who work in law enforcement need to carry various weapons ranging from pepper spray to tasers to impact weapons to firearms because they are expected to go after criminals. The rest of us can avoid criminals by practicing situational awareness and common sense. Unless you unfortunately must live or work in a dangerous environment, empty hand weapons (hands, elbows, etc.) are our best bet because of their instant accessibility and deployment, provided we train regularly in some form of empty-hand combat. The other advantage of being skilled in empty hand self-defense is that it is self-empowering.

There are countless reports of people in law enforcement and private security being attacked and then not being able to draw their weapon in time. There are also many accounts of women being attacked and not being able to deploy their pepper spray or firearm in time. Also, pepper (OC) spray can take 30 seconds or more to have the full effect, during which time the attacker can deliver lethal blows with a knife or gun. Unlike mechanical weapons, empty hand weapons are instantly accessible, and they never malfunction.

Most people who carry weapons don’t train sufficiently in empty hand self-defense. Consequently, there are countless reports of the predator grabbing and stealing the weapon and using it on its owner. Where I live, you cannot get a concealed carry permit and all lethal weapons are illegal to carry. You can carry pepper spray or a walking cane as long as the cane is to assist you with stability in your walking. And even the use of pepper spray can get you into trouble unless you can explain why you thought your life was threatened.

I’ve run into several women who illegally carry various weapons in their purse, which they don’t even know how to use. And they don’t realize how incredibly fast a predator can ambush them. I commonly see women in parking garage elevators holding their keys between their fingers. They have no idea how useless those keys would be if attacked by a violent predator. One woman showed me the asp (telescoping baton) that she carries in her purse. I snatched it from her hand, demonstrated its use in the air, and handed it back to her to demonstrate that if she pulls it out with a violent predator, he’ll grab it and use it on her. I then showed her the rapid-fire palm heel strikes that I teach in the Peaceful Warrior Woman class. Again, empty hand weapons are always instantly accessible, and with regular training can become incredibly fast and powerful.

Unlike where I live, in most parts of the U.S., you can get a concealed carry permit to legally carry a handgun. But the gun owner then must make a quick decision under pressure on the appropriate scale of force to use. That is an enormous responsibility and even professionals in law enforcement commonly make the wrong decision on the scale of force to use. Also, unless they train regularly in scenarios where they and the targets are moving, the gun is not likely to save them. In addition, they must train regularly in drawing the weapon (dry fire) in order to be fast enough. And bystanders sometimes get shot because the good samaritan shooter was insufficiently trained.

The most commonly carried weapon is pepper spray, but in a confined space, the defender ends up breathing it in as well. Outdoors, the wind can easily blow the spray back toward the defender. The stream and especially the gel don’t have those problems, but they must be sprayed directly into the eyes, nose or mouth, which make them harder to deploy than the spray, which only has to be sprayed into the breathing space of the predator. And they can take much longer than the spray to have an effect.

My biggest argument against relying on a weapon for self-defense is that you can develop tunnel vision when that’s your only defense. Whereas, if you train regularly in empty-hand self-defense, you will have many choices of empty-hand weapons and many vulnerable targets to attack. And it can be very satisfying to continually be honing your skills with training partners. In fact, if you carry a weapon and you don’t train regularly in some realistic form of empty hand self-defense, your attacker will take it from you, use it on you, and will be the new owner of it.

Also, if you are fighting with someone, you need both hands in the game. As soon as you take your dominant hand out of the fight in order to draw your weapon you will likely get seriously hurt or killed, and once again, the criminal will be the new owner of your gun, after he shoots you with it.

When evasion or escape aren’t possible you must use violence and deception; passivity will get you killed.

Use of Deception

The best form of deception is to preemptively attack the predator as soon as it is apparent that he intends to hurt you; it will be your best chance to disable him enough for you to get away.

If you are ever in a situation where you are not able to evade or preemptively attack the attacker because he has already ambushed and overpowered you, deception may buy you time. For example, you may get an attacker to momentarily let his guard down by giving him the false impression that you are not going to put up a fight. Then, as soon as you see an opening to attack vital targets, you attack and don’t let up until you can get away.

Another use of deception is to ask the predator a question that confuses him and forces him into his head the instant before you begin attacking him.

Putting up a fence is still another form of deception. This is where you have your hands up at roughly chest height or slightly higher with palms facing forward as you try to verbally defuse the situation. This places your hands very close to the predator’s eyes, nose, jaw, and throat, which is advantageous if you need to attack him. However, unless you are well-trained and practiced in self-defense, putting up a fence could backfire, placing you even more at risk of being attacked.

Deception can also be in the form of acting supremely confident, but you must be convincing, and that generally isn’t possible when you’re terrified.

If you and the predator are face-to-face, diverting your gaze slightly to the side of his head can cause him to look over his shoulder to see what you are looking at. That can provide a brief chance to launch your attack.

If you are ever in a situation where you can see that a potential predator is sizing you up, then in that situation, acting a little crazy is another way of deceiving him into believing that you would be a hard target.

If the very worst of all possible things happens and you are kidnapped and taken to a secondary location, your best bet may be to talk to him as a caring friend. If you can actually connect with him so that he sees you as a real person, he may let his guard down, allowing you to somehow find a way to escape.

This peaceful warrior woman is smashing her elbow into the side of the attacker’s jaw. Elbow strikes can be your most powerful upper body weapon if you choose to put in the intensive training time and effort required to make the technique effective.

In this photo, compare her large blunt elbow with her smaller and fragile fist. The fist has a lot of very small bones and fragile joints, whereas the elbow is a blunt force weapon.

When escape isn’t possible you must attack the attacker

When you or someone with you is about to be attacked, the primary goal should always be to escape. But, if that’s not possible, you must use violent techniques that physically incapacitate the attacker. To do that with speed, accuracy, and power, you must be able to adopt the mind-state of a warrior rather than the mind-state of a victim.

Preemptively attack the attacker.

Always assume the attacker has a gun or knife even though it isn’t visible to you.

Because you must always assume an attacker has a concealed gun or knife, you must disable him to prevent the attacker from drawing the weapon. If you are attacked by a man, he will assume he will easily be able to have his way with you. If you only inflict pain on the attacker and fail to disable him, he will then draw the concealed gun or knife that he didn’t think he’d need before you struck or kicked him. Therefore, simply inflicting pain will not keep you safe. Your only hope for a safe escape is to disable him so he can’t chase after you and can’t pull out his knife or gun. You can never half-heartedly attack; you must fight for your life until you are able to escape.

Fight for your life

In the stress and chaos of a real attack where the attacker intends to do serious harm to you, you must keep attacking every vulnerable target that you can access and not stop until your attacker is incapacitated enough to allow you to get away. Once someone has attacked you or is about to attack you, you must instinctively identify vulnerable targets on his body and keep attacking those targets as they present themselves, instinctively choosing your most available empty-hand weapons (hands, elbows, knees, feet) as openings appear from moment-to-moment. As his various vulnerable targets open up, you will deploy your fingers, palm-heels, blade-hands, hammer-fists, elbows, knees, and feet. You will know when you can stop attacking because there will be a chance to safely get away.

Although I don’t carry any weapons other than my empty-hand weapons, if someone is about to attack me as I’m drinking from a heavy glass beer mug, I would hit him with it, but it must be spontaneous. There generally won’t be time to look around for a makeshift weapon. Any object you use for striking should be used the same way you use your empty-hand weapons. In other words, never telegraph your strikes. This means that your weapon needs to strike the targets (eyes, nose, side of head, ears, chin, throat, neck) without first retracting it if at all possible. The danger of retracting your weapons is that it creates an opening for the predator to close the distance, neutralize your weapon, and use the opening to attack your own vital targets.

Theoretically, one well-placed strike to a vulnerable target, such as eyes, ears, jaw, throat or neck, with your full mass behind it could be all you need to allow for an easy escape. The problem is that with all the adrenalin in your system and your loss of fine motor control, along with the fact that he probably won’t be standing still, you will have to keep fighting for your life until you can finally land a clean shot and get away. However, the fight shouldn’t go more than 30-seconds.

A ponytail, braids, a scarf, or anything a predator can grab gives him the ability to control your movements. With practice, you will learn to center yourself and then use rotational forces to launch your counterattack even in this bad situation.

Someone can be very charming yet be very unsafe to be around. Assertive boundary setting is especially important with someone like that.

It is very common to meet someone who appears to be very nice and very charming, who later turns out to be abusive and dangerous. Some of the most notorious mass murderers were known by neighbors and friends as being very nice people. At some point we have all been in the presence of that type of predator without being consciously aware of the danger. One famous example of that type of psychopathic predator was Ted Bundy. You may have a family member, acquaintance, neighbor, boss, co-worker, or anyone in an authority position fitting that description; be wary of them. Learn to honor subtle bodily cues that inform your intuition. And learn to trust subtle feelings that lead you to sense that something is not quite right.

When speaking with someone you suspect could possibly be a predator, speak concisely, clearly, and assertively.

An extremely helpful method, adapted from Nonviolent Communication (NVC), which I taught for several years, is the following four-step process:

Observation: What objective information do I have, using my senses, on what is going on in my immediate environment in this moment?
Feeling: What emotion am I experiencing in this moment?
Need: What do I need in this moment? (Examples: space, safety, choice, respect)
Request: The request needs to be something that can realistically be carried out.

Below is an example of the four-step boundary-setting process that can be effective with the type of predator that values maintaining a previously existing connection with you (family member, neighbor, or co-worker).

“You just stepped toward me after I stepped back.” (my observation).
I’m feeling uncomfortable with that.” (my feeling).
“I need space.” (expression of my need).
“Step back.” (my request, expressed assertively). At that point, if he fails to honor your assertive boundary setting and you cannot get away, you need to aggressively attack and keep attacking until you can get away.

This form of dialog can also be useful with a patient or client. For example, let’s say you work in some capacity with medical patients, possibly as a nurse, radiation technician, or medical assistant, and some patient/client says inappropriate things. You can use that formula to resolve the issue. Obviously if the person touches you inappropriately then you need to use your self-defense skills and then call security.

If you are ever confronted by a sexual predator armed with a gun or a knife, and there’s absolutely no way to get away, your best bet is to use this NVC method to defuse the situation. As I’ve said before, if an armed resource predator just wants to rob you, simply hand over whatever is asked for.

Many predators rely on trust

Although women do get ambushed by a stranger and taken to a secondary location, one of the most dangerous situations is when a family member or trusted authority figure takes advantage of previously established trust in order to molest or rape. Those of us who were abused as children by someone we trusted are particularly vulnerable to freezing. Men as well as women who are normally very assertive will commonly freeze in a situation where the attacker is someone we know and trust.

In the class we address ways to break the freeze; one of the best ways is to practice just a few techniques until you master them, as opposed to learning dozens of techniques that you can’t possibly master. This prevents the confusion of what to do during a real attack. If you have mastered just two techniques, you will be able to break the freeze much faster than someone who has hundreds of techniques to consider.

The Freeze

Although the freeze is common and normal for both men and women, you cannot think and reason your way out of it. It is important to utilize a heuristic, a hard and fast rule you can always fall back on. The one I like, I got from Rory Miller (author of many books on the nature of violence) is: “Move.” As a heuristic, it can be your automatic response to break the freeze. Every second that you delay in attacking your attacker, your risk of being raped and killed increases. That’s why you will want to practice just two techniques until they become an automatic response, which will also help break or even prevent the freeze. Having to figure out which technique to use during an actual attack is very detrimental to breaking the freeze.

The most common thought that people have when they freeze is: “Why is this happening?” If you have just two techniques that have become your automatic default techniques, you will be less likely to freeze.

Also, as you train in class to recognize subtle behavior of those around you, you will be able to avoid trouble.

That said, there are some situations where almost anyone will freeze. An example is the case in San Diego in the early 90s where a rogue CHP officer pulled a young woman over, directed her to the next off ramp, and then raped and killed her. Even someone highly skilled in self-defense would likely freeze in that situation. Theoretically, if you were always suspicious of everyone, maybe you could always avoid danger. But who would suspect a CHP officer of being a violent sexual predator?

WILLFUL BLINDNESS

Related to The Freeze, when a trusted family member or trusted authority figure becomes an abuser of the young, small, or weak, this type of abuse is particularly traumatic and can interfere with the child’s ability to later recognize danger. Consciously, no one would knowingly allow anyone to sexually or otherwise abuse them. But when a child has been abused by a trusted parent or guardian, or by some other trusted authority like a priest, it can sometimes be difficult for that child to recognize what is taking place in a future molestation or rape. The child can end up being blind to the fact that someone else is now abusing them. Then, once they later realize it, they are often filled with feelings of shame and guilt for allowing it to happen again. In order to heal from the physical and/or emotional trauma, the victimized child or adult must come to accept that it was not and never could be their fault. It’s also important to get support and be helped to understand how to recognize potential predators.

There is an expression: “Keep your head on a swivel.” Paying attention to everyone around you will keep you safe because even if a predator decides to target you, you will see him in time to not be there when he attacks.

Watch for any subtle behavior that is a deviation from that person’s baseline behavior or any sense that something is a little off

Women are most often attacked by someone they know. You can use this to your advantage because you know that person’s baseline normal behavior. Any deviation from that person’s baseline behavior should be an immediate warning signal to you that you could be in danger.

Don’t be nice; be safe

You must take evasive action even when you aren’t sure if someone poses a real threat. This can be quite challenging for some people. Many rape victims have reported failing to take evasive action based on their intuitive sense that someone could be a potential threat. Had they acted on their intuitive sense of possible danger they most likely could have prevented the attack. When asked why they allowed the guy to touch them, why they got in the elevator, entered the room, or got into the vehicle, despite sensing possible danger, a common answer was that they thought they were overreacting and didn’t want the guy to be insulted. If you feel any slight discomfort with someone, whether it is a family member, neighbor, boss, co-worker, or a stranger, honor your fear and avoid anyone that triggers your fear. Sometimes that person may feel insulted, but you will be safe.

If someone feels insulted by your cold behavior, that’s their responsibility, not yours

You are never responsible for anyone else’s feelings. The more you set clear boundaries, the easier it becomes to maintain them. If you are uncomfortable with anything about someone, act on it. Maintain your boundaries with your voice and your body language.

Yelling for Help: A good way to bring attention to the situation is to yell with your most powerful voice to the predator to “Back off!” or “Get out of here!”

You must always maintain awareness so that you never get ambushed

If a stranger wants to kidnap and rape you, he will most often ambush you and then threaten to kill you to get you to comply so he can take you to a secondary location, which you have to avoid at all costs. Once he has your attention, he may tell you that he doesn’t want to have to kill you and that if you go along with all his demands you will be safe. The reality is that going along with his demands will put you in mortal danger. Even if he threatens you with a gun or knife, you must get away before he gets a chance to take you to a secondary location, because once he has you isolated, it will be too late, and he will have his way with you.

Attacks do NOT occur without warning, but the warnings are often very subtle and usually go unnoticed by the victims. However, if you practice a high level of situational awareness and honor your intuition, and NEVER tell yourself that you are overreacting, you will almost always be able to stay safe. In the very rare instance where someone attacks you, you will see it coming and will be prepared to effectively defend yourself.

Situational awareness is essentially the practice of being alert to whatever is going on in your immediate environment. From a self-defense perspective, this refers to the practice of actively observing and interpreting the behavior of all the people in your immediate environment in order to anticipate danger. However, situational awareness is practiced in many areas of life. For example, in my second book, Doctor’s Partner: The Self-Empowered Patient, I describe how to be on the lookout for some of the most common errors made by doctors, nurses, and other personnel. When receiving medical treatments, maintaining situational awareness can save you from medical mistakes of various types.

For the purpose of the Peaceful Warrior Woman course that I teach, it is about staying safe from human predators. This includes things like observing a person’s hands to see if he or she is holding a weapon and noticing if the person keeps patting a certain spot on the body where a weapon may be concealed.

Situational awareness includes self-awareness
The practice of situational awareness is not just about observing the behavior of others, it is about self-observation. In the bookGift of Fear, Gavin de Becker teaches how to pay attention to your own physiological changes such as heartrate, respiration, sweating, muscle tension, and other bodily changes as warning signs before we become consciously aware of someone’s suspicious behavior. For example, whenever I notice those changes in myself, they prompt me to then pay more attention to my environment. Once you know what to look for and can tune in to your own subjective experience, you will be able to rely on intuitive hits.

Practiced at a high level, you will sense potential danger before it happens, allowing you to not be where the threat is, and you will be able to protect others by warning them of the threats you see. Many times, you won’t even be aware of seeing or hearing anything suspicious, but you will get an intuitive hit that a certain person or group of people standing around are behaving in a way that could indicate a possible threat.

Human predators can be very cunning. A predator can appear harmless in order to get close to you. Then, in a brief moment when you are distracted, the predator will make his or her move.

SOCIAL VERSUS ASOCIAL VIOLENCE

In a situation where there is a threat of social violence (fights based on ego), just walking away can often prevent the violence from occurring. In asocial violence (the ambush), turning and walking away will get you killed. In social violence, you are face-to-face with the threat; if you can’t walk away, you can usually avoid an attack by assertively and respectfully setting clear boundaries. In asocial violence, unless you are practicing situational awareness at a high level, you won’t see or hear the attack coming and the first thing you notice is that you have been grabbed, stabbed, or shot. This is why it is so important to be situationally aware of both your surroundings as well as of your feelings and premonitions.

BLENDING IN

Personally, I’m what’s referred to as a gray man, meaning I blend in and don’t get noticed. In terms of staying safe, regardless of gender, whatever you do to get noticed will get the attention of predators. You can blend in by dressing in ways that don’t make you stand out in a crowd and by being a great observer rather than someone who makes your presence known wherever you go. This is particularly important when in an unfamiliar part of town or another culture, where behaving in a way that gets attention can be seen as disrespectful.

Dangerous predators also try to blend in because they want to capitalize on the element of surprise.

When in a public place, never mention in a loud voice to people you’re with or on you phone where you are going next. You never know when a potential predator could be watching and listening. Remember, predators commonly blend in with everyone else; you can only recognize them by their behavior.

PSYCHOPATHS, SOCIOPATHS, PSYCHOTIC

Psychopaths aka (antisocial personality disorder) will victimize you and feel no remorse. They are often very charming, while being arrogant and very manipulative. There are psychopaths in high positions of almost every profession. You cannot recognize a psychopath by physical appearances. Although serial killers are all psychopaths, most psychopaths never commit physical violence. Many of us have been charmed by a psychopath at some point without actually falling victim to his or her manipulative behavior. Regardless of gender, we’ve all been charmed by psychopaths. It’s important to recognize various red flags. Countless women fell in love with Ted Bundy and several other charming, handsome psychopaths.
Sociopaths will victimize you, but unlike the psychopath, their behavior is learned. Similar to a psychopath, sociopaths are not easy to identify until you get to know them.
Someone who is psychotic will usually only commit violence as a result of paranoid delusions. Unlike psychopaths and sociopaths, psychotic people do not go around looking for victims. They are generally not a danger to be around unless they are paranoid.

Here are more safety tips:

Whenever you are in a public place, make a game of looking to see what is out of place or anomalous from baseline.
Whenever you are in a public place, make a game of looking to see what is potentially dangerous about someone’s behavior around you.
If a man or woman approaches you either for help or who tries to get to know you, you must be suspicious. If you are feeling uncomfortable with that person, honor that feeling and keep your distance physically and make it clear in a loud voice so that others can hear that you are not interested. Human predators want to avoid witnesses; that’s when women get abducted—the predator always wants to avoid witnesses.
If you ever see someone walking toward you who suddenly looks left and right, you are about to be attacked; if it’s too late to get away, you will need to prepare to fight to defend yourself. But with good situational awareness you will likely spot that person early enough to walk away.
Are you aware of when someone in your immediate environment is on cocaine, crystal meth, PCP (angel dust), or some other street drug? Whenever you notice anyone who is acting in a way that makes you fearful, get away immediately. If they are on certain street drugs they will act in unpredictable ways and when they attack someone, they use extreme violence.
Guys Hanging Out: Many rapes and muggings occur when a victim ignores an obvious potential threat. For example, you are walking through a garage, through a park, or down a deserted alley or street and you spot one or more men hanging out, just looking around. You wonder if they are up to no good, but you ignore your intuition and tell yourself that you’re just being paranoid as you continue to walk to your intended destination. Always err on the side of caution. It is better to go an alternate way or if that’s not possible, don’t go anywhere near them, even if it means you won’t be able to return to your car. Always maintain calm awareness and act in accord with your intuition.
Elevators: Always be aware of everyone around you. When waiting for an elevator or anything, always stand with your back to a wall if at all possible. When in an empty elevator, if someone suspicious enters, get out, even if you are not yet at your destination floor. Whenever you are anywhere outside your house or other protected area, be aware of people in front and in back of you. If you are about to get into an elevator with someone in it who looks suspicious to you, wait for the next elevator. Avoid standing next to the elevator buttons because it gives a predator an excuse to get close to you.
Park your vehicle under bright lights and avoid parking in an isolated area, whether in a garage or on the street.
Which is safer: elevator or stairway: Use whichever one is more likely to be used by others. Avoid any dark or isolated area, whether in a garage or on the street. A predator can be lurking in a stairwell or an elevator. In both cases, don’t use that route if you hear or see anything suspicious. For example, if you enter a stairwell on the 3^rd or 4^th level of a garage and you hear something suspicious either above or below that floor, use a different stairwell or elevator. In fact, you could even walk down alongside the cars. The safest route is usually the one with the most people.
When driving, if anyone ever walks in front of your car or up to the side of your car for any reason other than to cross the street, drive around that person without stopping even if it means driving over the curb and onto the sidewalk. You could easily be carjacked and possibly shot if you stop.
When driving, if anyone ever drives in front of your car and stops for any reason other than that their vehicle is blocked, drive around that car without stopping, even if it means driving over the curb and onto the sidewalk. This is another way you could easily be carjacked and possibly shot if you stop.
When driving, if you think you are being followed, drive to the nearest police station or anywhere with lots of people. If you are absolutely certain someone is following you, also call 911. Do not drive home—you don’t want that person knowing where you live.

Make a habit of scanning the space around you, whether you are driving, walking, or sitting with friends in a public space.

Scan the space around you for the wide variety of signs or signals that something is amiss. Learn to identify subtle signs that the stranger approaching you could pose a threat. The way people walk, gesticulate and speak will give you clues. Sometimes you won’t consciously be able to identify the specifics of why you are suspicious of an individual, but always honor your fear.
Scan the space around you for potential threats: Unless you are home or somewhere where everyone in the room is someone you know well, scan the room. Scanning is a way to unobtrusively and covertly study people. The way the person walks, stands, gesticulates, along with the facial expressions all give you great insight into that person’s nature and intentions.
Scan the space around you for escape exits—doors, windows hallways, from which you may escape. Scan the room to find reflective surfaces in order to have more warning if a suspicious person suddenly enters. If there is shooting, keep in mind that bullets go through walls—unless that wall is concrete, stone or some other very solid surface.

Other behaviors to watch for as you scan a room with your eyes and ears:
- Someone who keeps looking over his or her shoulder.
- Someone who appears unusually fidgety.
- Someone who looks uncomfortable.
- Someone who seems very distracted.
- Someone who keeps patting or in some way touching the same place on the body. For example, someone carrying a concealed weapon will very commonly touch the pocket or place on their torso where they have the concealed weapon (aka concealed carry).
- Someone whose behavior contradicts their words. For example, it could be someone whose words are conciliatory but whose body language and emblems (hand gestures) give off a sense of anger, superiority, or dominance.
- Someone who is engaged in some task and seems to be noticeably unfocused. For example, let’s say you are in your local coffee shop and as usual you see a lot of people working on their laptops as they enjoy their coffee. But then you notice one person who keeps looking up and scanning the room. This person seems very uncomfortable and distracted. That person’s strange behavior does not mean he or she is dangerous, but it would be enough for me to keep an eye on him and if he gets up, leaving his laptop and backpack behind I might say something to him in a loud voice about it not being safe leaving his valuables behind. If he reacts suspiciously, everyone would then be looking at him and we could all evacuate the building. I have often been in a coffee shop when someone sitting near me asks me to watch his or her laptop before heading to the bathroom. I always watch to make sure the person really goes to the bathroom and doesn’t exit the bldg.

Vigilance: Anytime you are simply a little bit suspicious about someone’s behavior, never take your eyes off that person (peripherally); your instincts are telling you that this person may possibly be a potential threat.

There are many specific threat indicators that you can use to do predator profiling. In predator profiling it is important to appreciate that most of what we all communicate is nonverbal. Someone’s words may seem perfectly benign, but that person’s meta-communication will often tell a very different story. Predator profiling and situational awareness includes the following:

HEURISTICS are mental shortcuts that ease the cognitive load of making a decision while under stress. For example, one heuristic could be your decision to always get someone to accompany you when returning to your car late at night.
ATMOSPHERICS refers to a subjective experience of the mood in an environment. For example, you walk into a room of people and there is tension in the air. Your sense of tension in the room will be based on biometrics, proxemics, haptics, etc.
BIOMETRICS are observable physiological and behavioral changes in someone. A few examples include pupil dilation, blanching, and flushing. Blanching of facial color commonly indicates extreme fear and this is true even with the darkest of skin color. Facial and neck flushing could indicate anger or shame. Facial expression and the person’s meta-communication are needed to definitively discern the exact emotion the person is experiencing and his or her intention.
PROXEMICS relates to the physical distance between people who are in verbal or nonverbal communication. Cultural differences aside, this can indicate how comfortable the people feel with each other or the nature of their relationship. Even when you can’t hear their words, you will know a lot by their proxemics.
HAPTICS refers to the nonverbal communication based of how people are in physical contact. For example, different messages are communicated in touching someone’s head, face, back, shoulder, upper arm, forearm, or hand. Again, it is important to consider the meta-communication.
KINESICS refers to nonverbal communication based on hand or arm gestures. Cultural differences aside, this is a way to get a sense of the emotional state of the person you are observing. For example, if you see someone pounding on the table or finger-pointing at people, you know to stay away from that person.
VOCALICS has to do with changes in the pitch, volume, or other aspects of a person’s voice. When someone’s voice increases in pitch or volume, they are commonly feeling fearful or anxious, but it could mean they are simply excited and happy. When the voice lowers, it can indicate feeling calm, but it could also have other meanings. This is why in doing predator profiling, we need to observe the totality of the person’s behavior.
CHRONEMICS, for our purposes, this relates to rate of speech, but there are many nuanced meanings. For example, if someone is speaking really fast or haltingly, it can indicate anxiety or enthusiasm. The person’s meta-communication will provide further information.

WHEN SCANNING, HERE ARE MORE THINGS TO LOOK FOR:

Presence of weapons (gun, knife, or another lethal weapon)
Individuals clearly running away from someone
Sounds that could be gunshots
Violent Shouting
Breaking of glass
Any anomalous behavior (not the norm for that environment or situation)
Someone has directed their attention toward you in a way that is frightening. Pay attention to their eyes as well as their feet. The direction of the suspect’s feet can indicate intention. If someone keeps glancing at you and then glancing away, you’ve been targeted; what you do will determine whether you get attacked.
Hiding of the hands (which could be holding a concealed weapon)
Anyone who looks out of place in a particular environment
Clear the hands (Are both hands visible and empty?)
Individuals whose hands are hidden (could be holding a weapon)
Bulging around waist, shoulder, or ankle (could be a weapon)
Patting or checking any area of body (commonly a weapon)
Inappropriate clothing for the weather or setting (could be hiding a large weapon)
Pacifying behavior (indicates anxiety)
Sudden change in speed of someone’s movement
Unexplained masking (sunglasses at night, hoodie in warm weather)
Does someone seem extremely anxious, hyper-alert, and looking around in an intentional way?
Is someone sweating on a cool day or wearing a heavy coat in warm weather?
Is there anything about a person or situation in the space around you that causes you to feel concern or even fear?

THERE ARE ALWAYS WARNING SIGNS

Always honor your intuition, even in the absence of evidence. Never take your peripheral vision off anyone you are not sure about, but don’t stare. Once, when standing in line at a Starbucks, someone walked in who got my attention. My concern and suspicion increased when I then saw the barista suddenly break out in a sweat, which indicated to me that the barista had previously had some type of frightening encounter with that guy. There are countless early warning signs like these that go completely unnoticed by most people, which is why victims of crime often say the person attacked without warning. The reality is that there are always warning signs once you know how to look for them. When you are fully aware of everyone around you and you honor your intuition, you will instinctively stay away from or be prepared to deal with potentially dangerous people and situations. That day in Starbucks, the person I was watching didn’t cause any trouble, but because I was only a foot away from him and peripherally watching him constantly, I was ready to strike and disarm him if necessary. Although I chose to stay, the next time you are in the same space with someone who you are not comfortable being around, the best choice is always to leave before anything happens.

IN TERMS OF INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS, HOW CAN YOU REALLY KNOW IF CERTAIN PEOPLE ARE SAFE TO GET CLOSE TO?

People enter into terrible and often abusive relationships quite commonly. They mistakenly believe that the person’s behavior will improve once they are in a committed relationship. The reality is that undesirable behaviors do not go away when in a committed relationship. The reverse is usually true because that person is no longer on good behavior. Get to know that person’s behavioral patterns before getting seriously involved.

Learn to recognize red flags that can signal you to avoid getting into a relationship with someone displaying any of the following traits:

Regularly disparages others
Blames others for his or her own failures
Often gets angry with others
Talks about violence
Is a loner
Believes in conspiracy theories
Owns weapons
Writes people off on a regular basis
Views people as all good or all bad
Lacks empathy
Disinterested in the needs of others
Distrustful of others
Files formal complaints regularly
Intolerant of diversity
Substance abuse disorder or other addictions
Has had run-ins with police
Unstable work history
Contentious relationship history

In addition to the above red flags, it’s also essential to pay attention to the person’s Nonverbal Communication.

In addition to paying attention to the above red flag warning signs, pay attention to nonverbal communication. Most people pay more attention to what a person says than to that person’s nonverbal communication. The reality is that according to extensive research, over 90% of what we communicate is nonverbal. That’s how people get deceived in all types of relationships, not just romantic relationships.

Although dog owners think that their dogs understand what they’re saying, the reality is that the dog is superb at reading the extremely subtle body language of its owner, everyone else, and other dogs. Very few people have the commitment to learn that skill, but it can be learned. It’s just that people love words and preferentially choose words over nonverbal signs.

Along with staying clear of anyone with any of the above red flag warning indicators and paying attention to the person’s nonverbal communication, it is very important to ask questions of that person every time he or she says something that you don’t understand or are concerned about. Curiosity is a way to deepen healthy relationships. If the person takes offense at your curiosity, consider that to be another red flag warning of an unhealthy relationship.

Back to Self-Defense: Surprise is your most powerful weapon and it is also the most powerful approach used by criminals. If you ever find yourself in a situation where you are fairly sure an attack is imminent, and there is no way to get away, you need to preemptively attack the attacker, capitalizing on the element of surprise, catching him off-balance.

Unlike the psychopath, aggressive types are easy to spot and avoid. But there are many, very charming and charismatic psychopaths that can be much harder to identify until you get to know them. Beware of overly friendly types and avoid direct eye contact and conversation with them.

TALKING TO PREDATORS AND SUSPECTED POSSIBLE PREDATORS

It is always best to avoid conversation with anyone acting aggressively toward you (male or female), but if you cannot get away and the person asks you a question, the best answer is the simplest, shortest, and most neutral. If you can’t get away and he or she directs rage at you, try to de-escalate the situation with your calming words, keeping it very simple; do so while standing in a relaxed, alert stance from which you would be able to attack if necessary, with your open hands up for protection, palms forward. Ideally, witnesses will hear you trying to talk down the potential attacker; this is important, in order to avoid being charged as the aggressor after you deliver the first strike. Never make fists, as they would be seen as aggressive on your part, both by the potential attacker as well as by any witnesses. Never threaten someone who appears to be a threat to you because it could trigger him to attack you. Also, if he’s about to attack, you will lose the element of surprise.

COMMON MISTAKES TO AVOID

A stranger accuses you of something. A common error is to then defend yourself, explaining why the accusation doesn’t line up with the evidence. This commonly leads to verbal escalation by one or both parties. Never engage in conversation with such people. Just get away.
A stranger is yelling or otherwise seems very agitated and you go over to try to calm the person down. Helpful bystanders have been attacked by such people when they try to calm them down. Stay away and if you think the person may be a danger to self or others, call 911 as you observe from a safe distance.
Someone runs a stop sign or traffic light, screeches as they just barely miss crashing into you. Another common mistake is to yell at the driver who almost hit your car or to lean on your horn. Even though the other driver was clearly at fault, if you act aggressively toward him or her, you could find yourself looking down the barrel of a gun. Many people in the U.S. have been shot doing that.
You have your directional on, indicating that you are moving into a particular parking space. As you are driving into the space, someone darts into the space before you. You give them a piece of your mind. Many people in the U.S. have been shot doing that.
You are in the supermarket and a very careless stranger slams their shopping cart into yours. When you don’t hear any apology, you confront the person. Although that person is not likely to do anything in the store, she or he may confront you with a gun in the parking lot. There are a lot of crazy and violent people out there who appear to be perfectly safe to be around until they are challenged. In the U.S. you should always assume everyone has a gun.
When approaching a red light as you are driving, always leave enough space in front of you so that you can pull away if a potential car-jacker were to approach your car. Don’t make the common mistake of assuming it’s just a panhandler. Never let anyone approach your vehicle. But don’t leave so much space in front that another car can move into that space b/c then you are trapped.
When pumping gas, never stand between your car and the pump in such a way that someone could approach you and trap you between him or herself, the pump, and your vehicle.
Anyone wearing ear buds is likely to be seen as a soft target. Walking around in public, whether in a crowded area or out on a hiking trail, don’t make yourself a soft target. Use your eyes and ears to take in your surroundings—not occasionally—but always.
Walking down the street texting.
Not paying attention to the people in the space around you.
Failing to recognize possible red flags related to your environment or people around you.
Failing to constantly scan your environment.
A number of people have been shoved or attacked from behind by engaging in those mindless behaviors just listed. People have been shoved off the landing and onto the tracks while waiting for a commuter train or shoved down a flight of stairs because they were oblivious to suspicious characters near them.
Failure to read someone’s aggressive or agitated body language.
Failure to read someone’s verbal or nonverbal communication.
Failure to read any type of subtle behavior that should trigger safety concerns for you.
Failure to recognize your intuitive feeling of fear when you can’t identify any logical explanation for that fear.
Failure to recognize something that just seems “off” about someone in your immediate environment.
Revealing private information to a stranger: Never reveal where you live—not even the part of town you live in—to anyone you don’t know. Some predators look for opportunities to strike up a conversation with someone who they’ve targeted.
Going to secluded places: Whether a corner of a parking garage or a secluded hiking trail, a good heuristic is to never venture alone into an area where someone could attack you and have no witnesses. I often see women hiking or running alone on remote hiking trails. Some are very aware and they will probably not get targeted. But others are wearing ear buds and seem oblivious to other hikers and even to the sights and sounds of nature; those women are more likely to become victims.
Being too friendly: Some predators, like Ted Bundy, are very good looking and very charming. Never assume a stranger is safe just because he has those qualities. The safest approach is to just make very brief eye-contact, just enough so that he knows you are aware of him but not enough for him to possibly think you are being friendly.
Being fooled by women. A common tactic of sex traffickers is to have a woman approach potential victims. The victims felt safe following the woman to her vehicle or giving her their contact information, something they would not do with a man. Don’t trust any strangers regardless of gender or age.

THE SUCKER PUNCHER

This is where the attacker doesn’t make any threatening remarks to you and simply walks up and punches you for no reason. This is a situation where it is difficult to avoid that first strike unless you maintain a high level of situational awareness. However, if you are very aware, you can learn to detect that something is off about the person approaching you. Whenever someone approaching me looks at all suspicious and I don’t have the space to side-step, I don’t take my eyes off him and am ready to go into action if a punch comes. Situational awareness will reduce the odds of ever being sucker-punched.

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS: “THE ATTACK JUST CAME OUT OF THE BLUE.”

Many survivors of attacks have described the attack as: “It just came out of the blue with absolutely no warning.” There is always a warning, but you have to practice a high level of situational awareness in order to see the threat. This is similar to the many people who have been attacked by a dog when they tried to pet a dog that was already growling, had its tail up, or was silently looking intensely at them, often in a puffed-up posture.

SURPRISE A POTENTIAL THREAT

Anything that confuses a potential attacker and throws him off his game plan can and has deterred potential attacks. Obviously, if you are confronted by anyone demanding your money, jewelry, or any other object you are carrying or wearing, quickly hand it over; but in doing so, never take your eyes off the assailant. Although most robbers will leave the scene as soon as you hand over what they demand you give up, you can never be sure and occasionally robbery victims have been attacked even after handing over their wallet or purse. The good news is that if you hand it over without making a fuss, you will most likely be left alone.

RUN OR WALK TOWARD SAFETY RATHER THAN AWAY FROM DANGER

For example, if you are walking to your car in a parking garage and someone asks you for a ride or otherwise appears suspicious, you need to get away. Don’t go to your car; go in the direction where you are most likely to be near other people.

ATTACKED FROM BEHIND

If you are approached from behind, turn and scan the person to determine if you are safe. If you are not sure, just turning around to face the person can deter a potential attacker because muggers use the element of surprise. If you have a sense that someone behind you could possibly be a threat, keep that person in your peripheral vision at all times.

If you’re not situationally aware enough to detect someone approaching you from behind, there is a good chance you won’t be able to defend yourself before being knocked unconscious, stabbed, or shot. Many victims wake up on the pavement or in the hospital after getting knocked out; others don’t survive. When out at night in an urban area you must develop eyes in the back of your head. You must assess who is approaching you from the front as well as the rear. You can see everyone approaching you from the front long before they get close, so you have lots of time to asses them. If a potential attacker approaches from the front, you have some warning, which will improve your odds of evasion. However, someone can suddenly jump out from a doorway and grab you from behind, or someone may see you from afar and start following behind you until you are in a dark or isolated area, gradually getting close enough to grab you from behind. Unless you are extremely alert, constantly scanning the space around you, you could easily find yourself ambushed from behind. Your best defense is to stay so aware that you are able to make sure the attack never happens. Better yet, don’t go out at night alone.

PROTECT YOUR SPACE

Whenever a stranger enters your personal space:

Move in order to maintain your safe space.
If that’s not possible, such as in an elevator or crowded public transit, scan the person up and down and make sure the person sees you doing it; this sends a message that you are aware and prepared.
Stay away from anyone who seems particularly charming.
Especially when you are at an ATM, you must not let anyone enter your space. This is a time when you want to be very territorial. There’s a nickname for ATM machines: Accessory To a Mugging. Personally, I don’t even use ATMs. I deposit checks on the bank app on my phone and I almost never use cash for anything.
Anytime you feel a hand on you, always move away from that person while turning to identify him or her. In an urban area where most of the people around you are strangers, you should always assume that it is the hand of a predator.

HOW TO MAKE EYE CONTACT

As you scan the people around you, you will often make eye-contact.

If that person is a predator, the nature of your eye-contact can determine whether or not you remain safe.

Never stare or hold your gaze too long.
When you break the eye-contact, do so sideways; breaking your gaze downward sends a message that you feel inferior or submissive; breaking your gaze upward sends a message that you are snubbing them.
Always appear neutral—anything else, such as a wink or smile can lead to trouble.

Flirting is normal and may involve holding your gaze longer than what is considered normal while licking your lips. It’s usually unconscious, so it can be hard to avoid. The problem is that it could attrack a dangerous predator.

THE KNOCKOUT GAME

This deadly game is played out every day somewhere in the U.S. The way it works is that two or more older teens or young adults approach an unsuspecting person and one of them suddenly rushes at the victim with an uppercut to his jaw or hook to the back of his head, successfully knocking him or her unconscious. There have been many such attacks caught on camera and in every case that I’ve seen, the victim either appeared oblivious to who was around him or her, or sometimes actually saw the attackers approach and did nothing to avoid the attack.

DIRECTIONS OF ATTACK

Ego-based fights—aka monkey-dance fights—almost always begin and are fought face-to-face. That is not self-defense. Anytime someone chooses to fight someone when he or she could have safely walked away, the claim claim of self-defense is not valid. Self-defense is not like that. In self-defense, your attacker will want to ambush you, sometimes from the front, but more often from the rear. If it is simply a robber who wants money, he or she will usually approach from the front and you will usually (not always) be unharmed by simply complying with the robber’s demands.

But if an attacker’s goal is to kill you, you won’t see it coming unless you are practicing exquisite situational awareness. If he wants to kidnap and/or rape you, you are likely to be ambushed from behind. If you are able to see the attack coming and are ready for it, you have a good chance of surviving and getting away. If you can’t get away, you will be in a fight for your life, but at least your chances for survival are much better if you are able to see the attack coming and you know how to preemptively attack the attacker just before he hits or grabs you.