This extensive web page started out as a description of the women’s self-defense class I teach at College of Marin, but over time it has grown into an exploration of every aspect of situational awareness and how to protect yourself.
Please feel free to email me with any questions about the class: larry@larryberkelhammer.com
This video provides a great example of enforcing clear boundaries. The self-defense techniques and especially the fun training drills you do with classmates will help you feel self-empowered and have the confidence that you can enforce clear boundaries even in the most challenging situations.
Many women’s self-defense courses include fancy, exotic techniques like this one to attract students. The technique shown in this photo won’t work in a realistic attack without considerable training. The few techniques taught in this class are not exotic or fancy; they are simple and effective.
Empty-Hand Weapon Techniques: Empty hand weapons are parts of your body that are used as weapons. Examples: hands, elbows, knees, feet. Here are a few examples of the use of empty hand weapons.
Speed: One of the things we train is releasing of unnecessary muscle tension. Bodily tension reduces the speed of your strikes. If the predator sees your hand coming toward him, he will block or move. You must develop lightning speed. This means eliminating all telegraphing of your intentions, releasing muscle tension, and having your nearest empty-hand weapon dart into the nearest accessible target.
Speed is equally important in offense and defense. Your hands must always be up in some type of insipid or innocuous modified guard position so that you can instantly deflect incoming strikes and deploy your empty-hand weapons to the target-rich head and neck.
Combinations: All of the above techniques should be deployed in combination with each other. However, formulaic preplanned combinations are only for training purposes. They don’t work when you are fighting for your life in a real attack by a real predator. In a real attack, you won’t have any time to plan a combination. The more skilled and practiced you are, the more spontaneous your strikes and kicks will be. Committed regular practice with training partners will allow you to instinctively choose the most effective empty-hand weapon for each vulnerable target as openings occur.
Hitting with your body mass: Although the ability to put your entire body mass into the point of contact takes many years to develop, your skill will gradually keep improving. It is what makes the difference between your strikes being an annoyance versus having the power to stop the attacker so that he cannot continue his assault. In other words, if you strike the attacker’s chin with your palm-heel, using just the weight of your arm, he will be enraged. However, if your palm-heel strike hits him with even just a quarter of your body mass, you will be nowhere in sight by the time he regains consciousness.
Explanation of target selection: In sport fighting (in the ring or cage) there are many punches to the torso. But in a fight for your survival you want to focus on the most target-rich area, which is the throat, side & back of neck, jaw, nose, eyes, ears, and back of head. You need to land as many fast, powerful strikes to those targets as possible.
You must keep attacking with explosive speed until you can get away. Your speed and power are accelerated by stepping toward the predator. The rapidity of your varied strikes and kicks will have an impact.
If you catch him off guard by attacking him first, you should be able to end the fight in seconds and then get away. Otherwise, you could easily be overpowered.
Movement to improve angles of attack: Over time you’ll develop the ability to latch the attackers arms to spin yourself around to his rear. Attacking the predator from behind keeps you out of range of his strikes and grabs, and gives you the opportunity to deliver elbow strikes to the back of his head and neck.
The Importance of Ongoing Practice: As with learning a foreign language, practice must be ongoing, or the skill is lost. For many of us this lifelong ongoing practice is satisfying because of the benefits that result from the practice, such as self-empowerment, self-efficacy, and the deep satisfaction that comes from simply staying on a path to mastery.
Ongoing practice will give you the confidence to face a potential predator and assertively set clear boundaries. Your body language must back up your words.
The Importance of Practicing How to Move
How to capitalize on wrist grabs: Sometimes a predator will grab a woman’s wrist and pull her toward him. Instead of trying to get out of the wrist grab, use it to increase your acceleration as you fire off your hand strikes to his vulnerable targets with your free hand.
The Problem with Sole Reliance on Weapons.
There are countless reports of people in law enforcement, private security, and private citizens being attacked and then not being able to draw their weapon in time. Dry fire draws are essential, even if your only weapon is pepper spray.
Those who work in law enforcement need to carry various weapons ranging from pepper spray to tasers to impact weapons to firearms because they are expected to apprehend criminals. The rest of us can most often avoid criminals by practicing situational awareness and common sense. Once you develop a habit of always using your eyes and ears to spot any anomalies that could indicate possible danger, you will usually be safe.
Whenever my wife and I have gone to some event in San Francisco at night and park a few blocks away from our destination, I carry my little 5000 lumen flashlight in my left hand. If ambushed by someone who clearly intends to harm us, I would blind the predator with the light and simultaneously knock him out with my right hand or elbow while he is blinded by the light. But because we both are very alert and situationally aware, it is extremely unlikely that any type of predator would get near us. Despite having gone into high crime areas many times, occasionally even at night, I have never in my life had to use a weapon on anyone and have never been in a street fight.
If you don’t see the criminal approach you then you won’t be able to draw your concealed weapon in time. If you do see the criminal approach, you probably won’t be attacked. This is because a violent criminal wants to get close to you without you noticing. If it’s raining, then the weapon I carry in my right hand is an umbrella. A steel pen or umbrella in hand can be far more effective than a concealed weapon that you must draw. In fact, with a firearm, you must not only be a quick draw, you must also make an instant decision under extreme stress on the lethality of the threat you are facing so that you can choose the least lethal choice of weapon.
I’ve run into several women who carry various illegal weapons including handguns in their purse, which they don’t even know how to use. And they don’t realize how incredibly fast a predator can ambush them. I commonly see women in parking garage elevators holding their keys between their fingers. They have no idea how useless those keys would be if attacked by a violent predator. One woman showed me the asp (telescoping baton) that she carries in her purse. I snatched it from her hand, demonstrated its use in the air, and handed it back to her to demonstrate that if she pulls it out with a violent predator, he’ll grab it and use it on her. I then showed her the rapid-fire palm heel strikes that I teach in the Women’s Self-Defense class. Unlike a weapon that they must draw and know how to use, empty hand weapons are always instantly accessible, and with regular training can become incredibly fast and powerful.
Most people who carry weapons don’t train sufficiently in empty hand self-defense. Consequently, there are endless reports of the predator grabbing and stealing the weapon and using it on its owner. Where I live, you cannot get a concealed carry permit and all lethal weapons are illegal to carry. You can carry pepper spray, a steel pen, or a walking cane as long as the cane is to assist you with stability in your walking. But even when you defend yourself with a non-lethal weapon you could still be charged with aggravated assault. Here in the SF Bay Area people who sprayed someone with pepper spray have been charged with aggravated assault when it became clear that they were unjustified in spraying someone who did not pose a serious threat.
Unlike where I live, in most parts of the U.S., you can get a concealed carry permit to legally carry a handgun. But the gun owner then must make a quick decision under pressure on the appropriate scale of force to use. That is an enormous responsibility and even professionals in law enforcement commonly make the wrong decision on the scale of force to use. Also, unless they train regularly in scenarios where they and the targets are moving, the gun is not likely to save them. In addition, they must train regularly in drawing the weapon (dry fire) in order to be fast enough. And bystanders sometimes get shot because the good samaritan shooter was insufficiently trained.
The most commonly carried weapon in this area is pepper spray, but it is not without problems. For example, in a confined space, the defender ends up breathing it in as well. Outdoors, the wind can easily blow the spray back toward the defender. The stream and especially the gel don’t have those problems, but they require better aim than the spray, which only has to be sprayed into the breathing space of the predator. And they can take longer than the spray to have an effect. A violent predator could kill you before the pepper spray takes effect.
My biggest problem with relying on a weapon for self-defense is that you can develop tunnel vision when that’s your only defense. Whereas, if you train regularly in empty-hand self-defense, you will have many choices of empty-hand weapons and many vulnerable targets to attack. And it can be very satisfying to continually be honing your skills with training partners. In fact, if you carry a weapon and you don’t train regularly in some realistic form of empty hand self-defense, your attacker will take it from you, use it on you, and will be the new owner of it.
Also, if you are fighting with someone, you need both hands in the game. As soon as you take your dominant hand out of the fight in order to draw your weapon you will likely get seriously hurt or killed, and once again, the criminal will be the new owner of your gun, after he shoots you with it.
Again, if you are willing to learn from animals in the wild and always be looking, listening, and sensing for signs of possible threats, you will almost always be able to avoid danger.
Use of Deception
The best form of deception is to preemptively attack the predator as soon as it is apparent that he intends to hurt you; it will be your best chance to disable him enough for you to get away.
If you are ever in a situation where you are not able to evade or preemptively attack the attacker because he has already ambushed and overpowered you, deception may buy you time. For example, you may get an attacker to momentarily let his guard down by giving him the false impression that you are not going to put up a fight. Then, as soon as you see an opening to attack vital targets, you attack and don’t let up until you can get away.
Another use of deception is to ask the predator a question that confuses him and forces him into his head the instant before you begin attacking him.
Putting up a fence is still another form of deception. This is where you have your hands up at roughly chest height or slightly higher with palms facing forward as you try to verbally defuse the situation. This places your hands very close to the predator’s eyes, nose, jaw, and throat, which is advantageous if you need to attack him.
If you and the predator are face-to-face, diverting your gaze slightly to the side of his head can cause him to look over his shoulder to see what you are looking at. That can provide a brief chance to launch your attack.
If you are ever in a situation where you can see that a potential predator is sizing you up, then in that situation, acting a little crazy is another way of deceiving him into believing that you would be a hard target.
If the very worst of all possible things happens and you are kidnapped and taken to a secondary location, your best bet may be to talk to him as a caring friend. If you can actually connect with him so that he sees you as a real person, he may let his guard down, allowing you to somehow find a way to escape.
Deception can also be in the form of acting supremely confident, but you must be convincing, and that generally isn’t possible when you’re terrified.
My use of deception to avoid a fight: Once while on a Sierra Club hike in my early 20s I was acting very silly. I noticed a guy in our group who seemed annoyed with the way I was acting. Near the end of the hike, he challenged me to a fight. I agreed but said I first want one of the other hikers to pat us both down so that we can both know there are no weapons. He thought that was unnecessary and refused. I then told him that in the past whenever anyone challenged me to a fight, the challenger had always assumed that he’d have an easy time because of his hidden weapon or his hidden accomplice. My comment seemed to cause him to suddenly conclude that I must be a lot tougher than I looked. He was thrown off by my confident attitude and immeditely backed off. I had successfully used deception to cause him to back down from wanting to fight me.
This woman is smashing her elbow into the side of the attacker’s jaw. Elbow strikes can be your most powerful upper body weapon if you choose to put in the intensive training time and effort required to make the technique effective.
In this photo, compare her large blunt elbow with her smaller and fragile fist. The fist has a lot of very small bones and fragile joints, whereas the elbow is a blunt force weapon.
When you or someone with you is about to be attacked, the primary goal should always be to escape. But, if that’s not possible, you must use violent techniques that physically incapacitate the attacker. To do that with speed, accuracy, and power, you must be able to adopt the mind-state of a warrior rather than the mind-state of a victim.
Preemptively attack the attacker.
Always assume the attacker has a gun or knife even though it isn’t visible to you.
Because you must always assume an attacker has a concealed gun or knife, you must disable him to prevent the attacker from drawing the weapon. If you are attacked by a man, he will assume he will easily be able to have his way with you. If you only inflict pain on the attacker and fail to disable him, he will then draw the concealed gun or knife that he didn’t think he’d need before you struck or kicked him. Therefore, simply inflicting pain will not keep you safe. Your only hope for a safe escape is to disable him so he can’t chase after you and can’t pull out his knife or gun. You can never half-heartedly attack; you must fight for your life until you are able to escape.
In the stress and chaos of a real attack where the attacker intends to do serious harm to you, you must keep attacking every vulnerable target that you can access and not stop until your attacker is incapacitated enough to allow you to get away. Once someone has attacked you or is about to attack you, you must instinctively identify vulnerable targets on his body and keep attacking those targets as they present themselves, instinctively choosing your most available empty-hand weapons (hands, elbows, knees, feet) as openings appear from moment-to-moment. As his various vulnerable targets open up, you will deploy your fingers, palm-heels, blade-hands, hammer-fists, elbows, knees, and feet. You will know when you can stop attacking because there will be a chance to safely get away.
Although I don’t carry any weapons other than my steel pen and small 5,000 lumen flashlight , I am always aware of weapons of opportunity. These are any object that you could quickly grab that you can use as a makeshift weapon if someone is a threat to you. There generally won’t be time to look around for a makeshift weapon. But if you happen to already be holding an object that can be used for striking, it should be used the same way you use your empty-hand weapons. It could be a glass, silverware, your phone, or any hard object.
Never telegraph your strikes. This means that your weapon needs to strike the targets (eyes, nose, side of head, ears, chin, throat, neck) without first retracting it if at all possible. The danger of retracting your weapons is that it creates an opening for the predator to close the distance, neutralize your weapon, and use the opening to attack your own vital targets.
Theoretically, one well-placed strike to a vulnerable target, such as eyes, ears, jaw, throat or neck, with your full mass behind it could be all you need to allow for an easy escape. The problem is that with all the adrenalin in your system and your loss of fine motor control, along with the fact that the predator probably won’t be standing still, you will have to keep attacking until you can finally land a clean shot and get away. But that shouldn’t take more than 30-seconds.
A ponytail, braids, a scarf, or anything a predator can grab gives him the ability to control your movements. With practice, you will learn to center yourself and then use rotational forces to launch your counterattack even in this bad situation.
It is very common to meet someone who appears to be very nice and very charming, who later turns out to be abusive and dangerous. Some of the most notorious mass murderers were known by neighbors and friends as being very nice people. At some point we have all been in the presence of that type of predator without being consciously aware of the danger. One famous example of that type of psychopathic predator was Ted Bundy. You may have a family member, acquaintance, neighbor, boss, co-worker, or anyone in an authority position fitting that description; be wary of them. Learn to honor subtle bodily cues that inform your intuition. And learn to trust subtle feelings that lead you to sense that something is not quite right.
When speaking with someone you suspect could possibly be a predator, speak concisely, clearly, and assertively.
An extremely helpful method, adapted from Nonviolent Communication (NVC), which I taught for several years, is the following four-step process:
Below is an example of the four-step boundary-setting process that can be effective with the type of predator that values maintaining a previously existing connection with you (family member, neighbor, or co-worker).
This form of dialog can also be useful with a patient or client. For example, let’s say you work in some capacity with medical patients, possibly as a nurse, radiation technician, or medical assistant, and some patient/client says inappropriate things. You can use that formula to resolve the issue. Obviously if the person touches you inappropriately then you need to use your self-defense skills and then call security.
If you are ever confronted by a sexual predator armed with a gun or a knife, and there’s absolutely no way to get away, your best bet is to use this NVC method to defuse the situation. As I’ve said before, if an armed resource predator just wants to rob you, simply hand over whatever is asked for.
Although women do get ambushed by a stranger and sometimes even taken to a secondary location, the vast majority of violent attacks are by someone the woman already knows. Typically, a family member or trusted authority figure takes advantage of previously established trust in order to molest or rape. Those of us who were abused as children by someone we trusted are particularly vulnerable to freezing. Men as well as women who are normally very assertive will commonly freeze in a situation where the attacker is someone we know and trust.
In the class we address ways to break the freeze; one of the best ways is to practice just a few techniques until you master them, as opposed to learning dozens of techniques that you can’t possibly master. This prevents the confusion of what to do during a real attack. If you have mastered just two techniques, you will be able to break the freeze much faster than someone who has hundreds of techniques to consider.
Although the freeze is common and normal for both men and women, you cannot think and reason your way out of it. It is important to utilize a heuristic, a hard and fast rule you can always fall back on. The one I like, I got from Rory Miller (author of many books on the nature of violence) is: “Move.” As a heuristic, it can be your automatic response to break the freeze. Every second that you delay in attacking your attacker, your risk of being raped and killed increases. That’s why you will want to practice just two techniques until they become an automatic response, which will also help break or even prevent the freeze. Having to figure out which technique to use during an actual attack is very detrimental to breaking the freeze.
The most common thoughts that people have when they freeze are: “What is happening?” “Why is this happening?” “Is this really happening?” If you have just two techniques that have become your automatic default techniques, you will be less likely to freeze.
If you train weekly with a training partner, and you have one or two techniques that you instinctively deploy the instant anyone touches you or is about to touch you, you won’t freeze.
And your situational awareness will prevent you from attacking someone who means you no harm.
WILLFUL BLINDNESS
Related to The Freeze, when a trusted family member or trusted authority figure becomes an abuser of the young, small, or weak, this type of abuse is particularly traumatic and can interfere with the child’s ability to later recognize danger. Consciously, no one would knowingly allow anyone to sexually or otherwise abuse them. But when a child has been abused by a trusted parent or guardian, or by some other trusted authority like a priest, it can sometimes be difficult for that child to recognize what is taking place in a future molestation or rape. The child can end up being blind to the fact that someone else is now abusing them. Then, once they later realize it, they are often filled with feelings of shame and guilt for allowing it to happen again. In order to heal from the physical and/or emotional trauma, the victimized child or adult must come to accept that it was not and never could be their fault. It’s also important to get support and be helped to understand how to recognize potential predators.
There is an expression: “Keep your head on a swivel.” Paying attention to everyone around you will keep you safe because even if a predator decides to target you, you will see him in time to not be there when he attacks.
Women are most often attacked by someone they know. You can use this to your advantage because you know that person’s baseline normal behavior. Any deviation from that person’s baseline behavior should be an immediate warning signal to you that you could be in danger.
You must take evasive action even when you aren’t sure if someone poses a real threat. This can be quite challenging for some people. Many rape victims have reported failing to take evasive action based on their intuitive sense that someone could be a potential threat. Had they acted on their intuitive sense of possible danger they most likely could have prevented the attack. When asked why they allowed the guy to touch them, why they got in the elevator, entered the room, or got into the vehicle, despite sensing possible danger, a common answer was that they thought they were overreacting and didn’t want the guy to be insulted. If you feel any slight discomfort with someone, whether it is a family member, neighbor, boss, co-worker, or a stranger, honor your fear and avoid anyone that triggers your fear. Sometimes that person may feel insulted, but you will be safe.
You are never responsible for anyone else’s feelings. The more you set clear boundaries, the easier it becomes to maintain them. If you are uncomfortable with anything about someone, act on it. Maintain your boundaries with your voice and your body language.
Yelling for Help: A good way to bring attention to the situation is to yell with your most powerful voice to the predator to “Back off!” or “Get out of here!”
If a stranger wants to kidnap and rape you, he will most often ambush you and then threaten to kill you to get you to comply so he can take you to a secondary location, which you have to avoid at all costs. Once he has your attention, he may tell you that he doesn’t want to have to kill you and that if you go along with all his demands you will be safe. The reality is that going along with his demands will put you in mortal danger. Even if he threatens you with a gun or knife, you must get away before he gets a chance to take you to a secondary location, because once he has you isolated, it will be too late, and he will have his way with you.
Attacks do NOT occur without warning, but the warnings are often very subtle and usually go unnoticed by the victims. However, if you practice a high level of situational awareness and honor your intuition, and NEVER tell yourself that you are overreacting, you will almost always be able to stay safe. In the very rare instance where someone attacks you, you will see it coming and will be prepared to effectively defend yourself.
Situational awareness is essentially the practice of being alert to whatever is going on in your immediate environment. From a self-defense perspective, this refers to the practice of actively observing and interpreting the behavior of all the people in your immediate environment in order to anticipate danger. However, situational awareness is practiced in many areas of life. For example, in my second book, Doctor’s Partner: The Self-Empowered Patient, I describe how to be on the lookout for some of the most common errors made by doctors, nurses, and other personnel. When receiving medical treatments, maintaining situational awareness can save you from medical mistakes of various types.
For the purpose of the Women’s Self-Defense course that I teach, it is about staying safe from human predators. This includes things like observing a person’s hands to see if he or she is holding a weapon and noticing if the person keeps patting a certain spot on the body where a weapon may be concealed.
Situational awareness includes self-awareness
The practice of situational awareness is not just about observing the behavior of others, it is about self-observation. In the bookGift of Fear, Gavin de Becker teaches how to pay attention to your own physiological changes such as heartrate, respiration, sweating, muscle tension, and other bodily changes as warning signs before we become consciously aware of someone’s suspicious behavior. For example, whenever I notice those changes in myself, they prompt me to then pay more attention to my environment. Once you know what to look for and can tune in to your own subjective experience, you will be able to rely on intuitive hits.
Practiced at a high level, you will sense potential danger before it happens, allowing you to not be where the threat is, and you will be able to protect others by warning them of the threats you see. Many times, you won’t even be aware of seeing or hearing anything suspicious, but you will get an intuitive hit that a certain person or group of people standing around are behaving in a way that could indicate a possible threat.
Human predators can be very cunning. A predator can appear harmless in order to get close to you. Then, in a brief moment when you are distracted, the predator will make his or her move.
SOCIAL VERSUS ASOCIAL VIOLENCE
In a situation where there is a threat of social violence (fights based on ego), just walking away can often prevent the violence from occurring. In asocial violence (the ambush), turning and walking away will get you killed. In social violence, you are face-to-face with the threat; if you can’t walk away, you can usually avoid an attack by assertively and respectfully setting clear boundaries. In asocial violence, unless you are practicing situational awareness at a high level, you won’t see or hear the attack coming and the first thing you notice is that you have been grabbed, stabbed, or shot. This is why it is so important to be situationally aware of both your surroundings as well as of your feelings and premonitions.
BLENDING IN
Personally, I’m what’s referred to as a gray man, meaning I blend in and don’t get noticed. In terms of staying safe, regardless of gender, whatever you do to get noticed will get the attention of predators. You can blend in by dressing in ways that don’t make you stand out in a crowd and by being a great observer rather than someone who makes your presence known wherever you go. This is particularly important when in an unfamiliar part of town or another culture, where behaving in a way that gets attention can be seen as disrespectful.
Dangerous predators also try to blend in because they want to capitalize on the element of surprise.
When in a public place, never mention in a loud voice to people you’re with or on you phone where you are going next. You never know when a potential predator could be watching and listening. Remember, predators commonly blend in with everyone else; you can only recognize them by their behavior.
PSYCHOPATHS, SOCIOPATHS, PSYCHOTIC, OPPORTUNISTS, THE MASSES
Here are more safety tips:
Make a habit of scanning the space around you, whether you are driving, walking, or sitting with friends in a public space.
There are many specific threat indicators that you can use to do predator profiling. In predator profiling it is important to appreciate that most of what we all communicate is nonverbal. Someone’s words may seem perfectly benign, but that person’s meta-communication will often tell a very different story. Predator profiling and situational awareness includes the following:
WHEN SCANNING, HERE ARE MORE THINGS TO LOOK FOR:
THERE ARE ALWAYS WARNING SIGNS
Always honor your intuition, even in the absence of evidence. Never take your peripheral vision off anyone you are not sure about, but don’t stare. Once, when standing in line at a Starbucks, someone walked in who got my attention. My concern and suspicion increased when I then saw the barista suddenly break out in a sweat, which indicated to me that the barista had previously had some type of frightening encounter with that guy. There are countless early warning signs like these that go completely unnoticed by most people, which is why victims of crime often say the person attacked without warning. The reality is that there are always warning signs once you know how to look for them. When you are fully aware of everyone around you and you honor your intuition, you will instinctively stay away from or be prepared to deal with potentially dangerous people and situations. That day in Starbucks, the person I was watching didn’t cause any trouble, but because I was only a foot away from him and peripherally watching him constantly, I was ready to strike and disarm him if necessary. Although I chose to stay, the next time you are in the same space with someone who you are not comfortable being around, the best choice is always to leave before anything happens.
IN TERMS OF INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS, HOW CAN YOU REALLY KNOW IF CERTAIN PEOPLE ARE SAFE TO GET CLOSE TO?
People enter into terrible and often abusive relationships quite commonly. They mistakenly believe that the person’s behavior will improve once they are in a committed relationship. The reality is that undesirable behaviors do not go away when in a committed relationship. The reverse is usually true because that person is no longer on good behavior. Get to know that person’s behavioral patterns before getting seriously involved.
Learn to recognize red flags that can signal you to avoid getting into any type of relationship with someone displaying any of the following traits:
The above characteristics may not reveal themselves until you get to know the person well. It could be that the person is on good behavior, or it could be that it is not until you say something that triggers that behavior. It could be that by that time, you have become so fond of the person that you find yourself ignoring traits that otherwise would jump out at you as red flags.
In addition to the above red flags, it’s also essential to pay attention to the person’s Nonverbal Communication.
In addition to paying attention to the above red flag warning signs, pay attention to nonverbal communication. Most people pay more attention to what a person says than to that person’s nonverbal communication. The reality is that according to extensive research, over 90% of what we communicate is nonverbal. That’s how people get deceived in all types of relationships, not just romantic relationships.
Although dog owners think that their dogs understand what they’re saying, the reality is that the dog is superb at reading the extremely subtle body language of its owner, everyone else, and other dogs. Very few people have the commitment to learn that skill, but it can be learned. It’s just that people love words and preferentially choose words over nonverbal signs.
Along with staying clear of anyone with any of the above red flag warning indicators and paying attention to the person’s nonverbal communication, it is very important to ask questions of that person every time he or she says something that you don’t understand or are concerned about. Curiosity is a way to deepen healthy relationships. If the person takes offense at your curiosity, consider that to be another red flag warning of what is likely to become unhealthy relationship.
Unlike the psychopath, aggressive men and women are easier to spot and avoid. But there are many, very charming and charismatic psychopaths that can be much harder to identify until you get to know them. Beware of overly friendly types and avoid direct eye contact and conversation with them.
TALKING TO PREDATORS AND SUSPECTED POSSIBLE PREDATORS
It is always best to avoid conversation with anyone acting aggressively toward you (male or female), but if you cannot get away and the person asks you a question, the best answer is the simplest, shortest, and most neutral. If you can’t get away and he or she directs rage at you, try to de-escalate the situation with your calming words, keeping it very simple; do so while standing in a relaxed, alert stance from which you would be able to attack if necessary, with your open hands up for protection, palms forward. Ideally, witnesses will hear you trying to talk down the potential attacker; this is important, in order to avoid being charged as the aggressor after you deliver the first strike. Never make fists, as they would be seen as aggressive on your part, both by the potential attacker as well as by any witnesses. Never threaten someone who appears to be a threat to you because it could trigger him to attack you. Also, if he’s about to attack, you will lose the element of surprise.
Personally, I avoid talking to anyone about their conspiracy theories, because like religion and politics, the conversation is almost never satisfying or productive. And religious conspiracy theories have been behind most of the violence throughout history.
COMMON MISTAKES TO AVOID
By the way, in recent years, there have been countless reports of women confronting people with threats of violence and women attacking both men and women.
THE SUCKER PUNCHER
This is where the attacker doesn’t make any threatening remarks to you and simply walks up and punches you for no reason. This is a situation where it is difficult to avoid that first strike unless you maintain a high level of situational awareness. However, if you are very aware, you can learn to detect that something is off about the person approaching you. Whenever someone approaching me looks at all suspicious and I don’t have the space to side-step, I don’t take my eyes off him and am ready to go into action if a punch comes. Situational awareness will reduce the odds of ever being sucker-punched.
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS: “THE ATTACK JUST CAME OUT OF THE BLUE.”
Many survivors of attacks have described the attack as: “It just came out of the blue with absolutely no warning.” There is always a warning, but you have to practice a high level of situational awareness in order to see the threat. This is similar to the many people who have been attacked by a dog when they tried to pet a dog that was already growling, had its tail up, or was silently looking intensely at them, often in a puffed-up posture.
SURPRISE A POTENTIAL THREAT
Anything that confuses a potential attacker and throws him off his game plan can and has deterred potential attacks. Obviously, if you are confronted by anyone demanding your money, jewelry, or any other object you are carrying or wearing, quickly hand it over; but in doing so, never take your eyes off the assailant. Although most robbers will leave the scene as soon as you hand over what they demand you give up, you can never be sure and occasionally robbery victims have been attacked even after handing over their wallet or purse. The good news is that if you hand it over without making a fuss, you will most likely be left alone.
RUN OR WALK TOWARD SAFETY RATHER THAN AWAY FROM DANGER
For example, if you are walking to your car in a parking garage and someone asks you for a ride or otherwise appears suspicious, you need to get away. Don’t go to your car; go in the direction where you are most likely to be near other people.
ATTACKED FROM BEHIND
If you are approached from behind, turn and scan the person to determine if you are safe. If you are not sure, just turning around to face the person can deter a potential attacker because muggers use the element of surprise. If you have a sense that someone behind you could possibly be a threat, keep that person in your peripheral vision at all times.
If you’re not situationally aware enough to detect someone approaching you from behind, there is a good chance you won’t be able to defend yourself before being knocked unconscious, stabbed, or shot. Many victims wake up on the pavement or in the hospital after getting knocked out; others don’t survive. When out at night in an urban area you must develop eyes in the back of your head. You must assess who is approaching you from the front as well as the rear. You can see everyone approaching you from the front long before they get close, so you have lots of time to asses them. If a potential attacker approaches from the front, you have some warning, which will improve your odds of evasion. However, someone can suddenly jump out from a doorway and grab you from behind, or someone may see you from afar and start following behind you until you are in a dark or isolated area, gradually getting close enough to grab you from behind. Unless you are extremely alert, constantly scanning the space around you, you could easily find yourself ambushed from behind. Your best defense is to stay so aware that you are able to make sure the attack never happens. Better yet, don’t go out at night alone.
PROTECT YOUR SPACE
Whenever a stranger enters your personal space:
HOW TO MAKE EYE CONTACT
As you scan the people around you, you will often make eye-contact.
If that person is a predator, the nature of your eye-contact can determine whether or not you remain safe.
Flirting is normal and may involve holding your gaze longer than what is considered normal while licking your lips. It’s usually unconscious, so it can be hard to avoid. The problem is that it could attract a dangerous predator.
THE KNOCKOUT GAME
This deadly game is played out every day somewhere in the U.S. The way it works is that two or more older teens or young adults approach an unsuspecting person and one of them suddenly rushes at the victim with an uppercut to his jaw or hook to the back of his head, successfully knocking him or her unconscious. There have been many such attacks caught on camera and in every case that I’ve seen, the victim either appeared oblivious to who was around him or her, or sometimes actually saw the attackers approach and did nothing to avoid the attack.
DIRECTIONS OF ATTACK
Ego-based fights—aka monkey-dance fights—almost always begin and are fought face-to-face. That is not self-defense. Anytime someone chooses to fight someone when he or she could have safely walked away, the claim of self-defense is not valid. Self-defense is not like that. In self-defense, your attacker will want to ambush you, sometimes from the front, but more often from the rear. If it is simply a robber who wants money, he or she will usually approach from the front and you will usually (not always) be unharmed by simply complying with the robber’s demands.
But if an attacker’s goal is to kill you, you won’t see it coming unless you are practicing exquisite situational awareness. If he wants to kidnap and/or rape you, you are likely to be ambushed from behind. If you are able to see the attack coming and are ready for it, you have a good chance of surviving and getting away. If you can’t get away, you will be in a fight for your life, but at least your chances for survival are much better if you are able to see the attack coming and you know how to preemptively attack the attacker just before he hits or grabs you.
MORE ON EYE-CONTACT AND BODY-LANGUAGE
Another extremely important part of situational awareness is to pay close attention to the type of eye contact that person has with others. For example, I once had an HVAC guy come to the house to give me an estimate on replacing the furnace and air conditioning system. As soon as he entered the house and we engaged in conversation I noticed that he was looking at me with big eyes and staring intensely into my eyes. I sort of got the sense that he was looking at me the way a big cat looks at an animal that could be its next meal. I got his estimate but had already decided, based on the disturbing way he made eye contact that I would not want him working in my house. Another thing I had noticed about him was that all his bodily movement seemed intentional. Normally, people are not even aware of how they move. It looked to me like he was planning every step and every bodily movement. His gesticulations were almost menacing. I doubt he was aware of it and most people would not have given it a second thought, but these are the kinds of things to look for in practicing situational awareness.
Situational awareness can be practiced as a fun game. For example, whenever I am out for an exercise hike or walk where there are other people, I play a game of seeing how much I can notice about people coming towards me. Examples of what I notice: Are both hands visible and are they both empty? I study their body-language, which is a form of unconscious behavior.
Another aspect of situational awareness includes noticing if anything in your immediate environment seems at all out of place. For example, one morning I was out hiking where there are normally a lot of noisy birds. One particular morning I noticed the lack of birds. I didn’t know why, but it was a red flag that something had scared the birds away. The next morning the birds were back. I never found the cause of their disappearance that one morning, but the point is that situational awareness includes noticing not only what is there, but what is missing or anomalous to baseline.
Anytime you go somewhere, make a game of noticing the environment. For example, notice where the exits are in every building. In a threat situation in a restaurant, the best escape exit is often through the kitchen.
Common places for attacks are parking lots—especially while entering or exiting your car, public restrooms, and any isolated locations. When entering and exiting your car you need to never take your attention off your surroundings. Restrooms that can only be accessed through a long hallway or an approach that is away from other people require you to be on high alert.
How to park your car in a parking garage: There have been many incidents of criminals using their car to block their intended victim from exiting the parking space, effectively trapping the person, making it easy to carry out an attack, kidnap, or carjack. For this reason, the best way to park in a parking garage is to back into the parking space. That way you are more likely to be able to drive out of the space before someone can block you in. Obviously this doesn’t apply to diagonal parking spaces.
Clothing: Don’t dress in ways that attract attention. Don’t wear high heels; they’re bad for the health of your spine and they make you a target because predators know that you won’t be able to run or to defend yourself. When students tell me they would use the shoe as a weapon, I demonstrate why that wouldn’t work.
Utilize reflections in car windows, building windows, and all reflective surfaces in order to keep an eye on who is behind you. Shadows from the sun or streetlights can also be used to inform you of who is around.
If you ever feel someone’s hand on you, you cannot afford to take the time to turn and figure out who it is. You must assume you are being attacked and you must quickly move away or if not possible then you must attack.
REVIEW OF SOME IMPORTANT POINTS
The following behaviors should be seen as warnings to keep your distance and don’t get involved on any level with such people:
Even if you become an expert in situational awareness, there are three reasons to also train in physical self-defense:
DANGEROUS DOG OWNER
Commonality with both people and dogs: Whether with people or with dogs, you need to assertively set clear boundaries. Also, with both people and with dogs, to avoid violent confrontations, you need to be calm and assertive. If you have those qualities, both people and dogs are more likely to respect you. Obviously, there are inherently crazy people as well as inherently crazy dogs, but in both cases they are the exception.
Staying safe from dog attacks is similar to staying safe from human attacks. In both cases, if you practice situational awareness in order to avoid being in the same space as a predator, either human or canine, you will usually be safe. That said, there are some very dangerous dogs jumping fences and charging nearby pedestrians, and that type of attack is almost impossible to avoid. However, by calmly standing your ground and avoiding direct eye-contact, the dog will often (not always) stop even though it may continue to bark and growl.
If you are ever walking or jogging down a street and see a man or woman walking a couple of massive and powerful dogs like Corso, Dogo Argentino, Presa Canario, Mastiff, XL Bully, American Bully, Pit Bull, Rottweiler, or German Shepard, notice if the dogs are under the command of the owner. Usually they are not, in which case you should cross the street and stay away. If the dogs are pulling the owner along or seem excited, they will go after you if you get close. If you encounter them on a narrow hiking trail or anywhere else where it’s too late to get away unnoticed by the dogs, just stay silent, still and calm as they pass by, and don’t look directly at the dogs, and don’t turn and walk away at that point. Don’t even take a step back, because that’s prey behavior, which can trigger an attack. By the way, that too is the same as with humans. A human predator will see you as a soft target if you turn your back or even take a step back.
The dogs themselves are not the problem. The problem is that many owners of these powerful dogs buy them because they want a powerful, aggressive dog for protection. And they encourage the dog’s aggressiveness. In fact drug dealers and others involved in crime buy the ones that have been bred for their aggression. The dog may be no more likely to attack you than would a chihuahua, but the difference is that when those breeds are trained to kill, they are so powerful that there are many police reports of them biting right through the victim’s neck and dismembering the limbs. Unfortunately, there are psychopaths who own those breeds and train them to kill. There are reports of these dogs being used as a murder weapon. Some of these giant powerful dogs have been known to jump a six foot fence, chase down and kill people walking or running through the neighborhood.
By far the most common attacks come from the dogs owned by ethical, law-abiding citizens whose dogs attack only because the dogs don’t respect an insecure, anxious, or simply unassertive owner. The dogs view the owners as weak and think they need to protect them. Those dogs will attack anyone who gets close.
Whenever you see any dog of any breed that doesn’t obey it’s owner’s commands, stay away because an unassertive dog owner with a powerful strong-willed dog is a deadly combination. Powerful breeds like those I mentioned above require a dog owner who is a confident, assertive, skilled leader; otherwise the dog will not respect the owner, and will be dangerous to the owner, all members of the family, and everyone else. These unassertive dog owners commonly punish their dogs for their undesirable behavior, rather than train them to engage in desirable behavior; this exacerbates the dogs’ aggression and neuroticism, which makes them extremely dangerous dogs.
Self-defense against that type of dog attack: Situational awareness that allows for avoidance is your best defense because unarmed, most of us cannot put up a good enough empty hand defense against a committed attack by two of those powerful dogs that I named above. And just as pepper spray is ineffective with some human attackers, it is also ineffective with some highly aggressive dogs.
Many years ago I was hiking early in the morning near a large dog park when I suddenly saw a really big dog, possibly an American Mastiff or a Corso, charging toward me at incredible speed. I thought of front kicking it but didn’t for fear of just agitating the dog. It hit my right illiac crest with enormous power. I was able to yield and stay on my feet. As soon as it rammed into me I stepped into the dog, forcing it to back away. By claiming its space, the dog showed me respect. At that point we could have gone for a walk together. I waited around for a couple of minutes in order to see who the dog belonged to. No one came along so I finally left. There have been other incidents where a dog was barking and growling at me. Each time I discovered that by calmly stepping into it’s space, forcing it back, the dog would continue barking and growling as I continued to back it up. And each time, after a minute or so the dog lost interest. The greatest danger is when the dog is with it’s anxious unassertive owner.
Instead of banning certain breeds, we should require all people who want to buy one of those breeds I named above to first pass an approved training course in how to assertively set clear boundaries and how to correct bad behavior rather than punish the dog. And then, after buying the dog, they should be required to get tested with their new dog to demonstrate their skill at guiding and correcting the dog’s behavior.
Do a search for “Death by Dog” and you will come up with all the reports from recent years. It’s quite gruesome just reading the reports. Many young children have been mauled to death by the family dogs, which are usually one of those breeds mentioned above.
ACTIVE SHOOTER
BOMB
In the 2013 Boston Marathon bombing, multiple bombs were planted, making it impossible to know which direction to escape to. However, knowing that bombs are placed where there are the most people packed together, run toward sparsity—whether indoors or outdoors. My wife and I no longer attend any event where there are thousands of people packed together, since that’s the type of venue that domestic and foreign terrorists target.
STALKER
As soon as you have some evidence that someone may possibly be stalking you, completely change your daily routines and keep varying the order each day. Stalkers look for a predictable time and place where they can trap you. Be unpredictable in every way you can imagine. For example, change how you look each day. Never, under any circumstances, should you ever post anything related to your schedule plan on social media. If you know the identity of the stalker, report him or her to the police. Famous people get stalked regularly and often have a private security firm protecting them.